I Will RUIN You!!!

So I've spent a few days in New York dining and drinking with Valley friends, New York friends and friends who go back and forth between the two coasts. For whatever reason this visit a lot of cultural differences between the Valley and New York have just jumped out at me.

There are also some similarities. And one is that both people in the Valley and the New York tech scene tend to have the same reaction when someone wrongs them. They fire off a text or email that dramatically threatens: I WILL RUIN YOU! (or some close equivalent)

My friend Sophie, who is outside tech and the brilliant illustrator who did all of the little "sarah lacys" on this site, was the one who pointed this out after hearing several days of dramatic conversations. I guess it's so commonplace that it had never occurred to me. "What is with the constant reaction of 'I will ruin you'?" she asked, saying she'd expect something dramatic and ego-centric like that from Wall Street but not the supposedly more collegial Valley. As soon as she said it, I remembered a zillion examples of this happening. Truth be told, I did it once. (Then sadly remembered I don't actually have any real power...)

This begs a few questions.

1. How many people in the Valley actually have the power to ruin anyone? It's not a gate-keeper system the way some other economies are. There's not one single VC who controls success and because tech moves so fast, a total nobody can become a mogul in a very short time and without anyone's implicit permission. Then again, the Valley is more of a gate-keeper system than it would have you know. There are VCs who can exert so much power they can affect an entrepreneur's fate. And pissing off certain reporters, bloggers or industry commentators can affect an early stage startups buzz. I guess my takeaway is that: No one in the Valley can truly ruin you, but a couple dozen people could truly make your life miserable and your chance at success a lot harder.

2. Why is this always the go-to threat? This one I'm not totally sure about. Is it because power is the most important currency in the Valley? Or is it because entrepreneurs and their ecosystem so live and work and breathe and bleed over the industry that they automatically react violently and emotionally. Theory no. 3: People in the Valley tend to be socially awkward, so maybe they don't know how to react when someone wrongs them. Or just the most simple theory of all: We believe our own hype and just get mad with perceived power.

Probably a mix, but I lean towards no. 2 the most. The Valley is a pressure cooker and there's no separation between work and personal life. People put everything they have into what they are building. And their emotions and nerves are raw. When someone wrongs their business, they are wronging them and vice versa. And in that moment they want to attack. The best way: "RUINING" someone which implies taking them out professionally and personally all at once.

Interestingly, I've observed something else: Most people don't hold grudges. They react swiftly and violently, but can frequently swallow their pride and become friends-- or at least frenemies-- again.

Would love to hear any other theories/ observations in the comments!